A Sign of a Greater Problem

Well, I guess my mom's dizziness was a sign of a greater problem, or so the doctors think.  This morning, my mom was so dizzy that she couldn't sit up in bed and so I called 911 again.  This time, the guys that came out took my mom into the hospital by the stretcher.  When they picked her up, she groaned because she was so dizzy.  I'm not sure if that hurt her or just made her feel weird, but they took her into the hospital about 9:30.  I unfortunately had a physical therapy appt at 9:45 and I didn't know what to do because I missed my first appt with Linda, the physical therapist.  So I called them and told them that I was running late and expained what was happening.  I also called Danny and he came down to the hospital as well.  I took my dad to the ER and dropped him off to be with my mom and I went to the physical therapist.  I came in there kind of frantic, kind of antsy and feeling guilty that I just left my mom in the ER, but by the time I left, I felt very relaxed and "centered" - a term we used to say back in the 70's.  Maybe people still say that today, I don't know.

In any case, I went to the hospital after my appt and Danny was there with my dad.  I went in to see my mom and she was fine, feeling ok, but they did a cat scan on her brain and they saw a blood spot in the back of her brain.  They don't know what it is or what it's doing there, so they admitted her to do more tests later today and tomorrow.  It's probably what is making her dizzy, but the question is why and where did it come from?

Danny left to take my dad home because my dad can only deal with this for a short time, and then he went home, and I stayed with my mom for awhile.  They gave her some lunch and she seemed fine talking to me.  Her birthday is tomorrow and my dad and I were going to take her out for dinner, and so she was telling the nursing staff that they had to have a birthday party for her now.  They really didn't understand my mom's sense of humor - well, very few people do - as sometimes she says and does strange and out-of-place things.  It's just her and it's always been her, although she's gotten much worse since being sick.  And I think it's because she's never received this much attention before.  Whatever the reason, if she was worried, she covered it up by her acting silly.

It would take them "several hours" to find a bed on one of the floors for her, so I decided to leave.  Later I found out that they put her in a restricted area in case of the Mersa that some of the doctors are claiming is the reason for the blood spot.  Others are saying it's something else.  I came home, went into the pool, then took a long nap - I was exhausted - emotionally and physically.  My dad woke me up because he was hungry and wanted to eat, so I got up and fixed him and me dinner.  I think watching movies and tv is my dad's escape of reality.  All of this is wearing on my dad as well.  He was always the one who needed to be taken care of, now my mom is in that position and he doesn't really know how to handle this.

After dinner, I watched a movie with my dad and he narrated it as we watched it, as he had seen it before.  This is his way of dealing with the situation with my mom.  I know he is concerned about what they found and doesn't know how to express his feelings or talk about them.  Neither of them do.  That's really sad to me, as I learned that a long time ago when I was in the hospital, and I think it is a very important thing to know how to do. 

But there is something that I find incredibly hard to do and always have.  That is, telling my parents how much or even, that I love them.  I can tell friends, my kids, the neighbor down the street or Mr. Magoo - but I can't seem to get it out of my mouth to either of my parents.  When I do say it, it sounds very forced (which it is), and it creates a very awkward situation.  My father has never been able to say this (until very recently) to me or my brothers or my kids.  My mom will say it often but for some unknown reason, it's very difficult for me to say this back to her.  Sometimes, it's even difficult for me to look into her eyes.  I don't understand it.  It makes me very uncomfortable, but I have to push past my comfort zone and do this more and more, especially now.  Why else would I be down here?