Revelation

When I came out of the pool today, I sat in the warm sunlight and the wind was blowing.  I smelled something familiar and closed my eyes to think of what it was.  It was a memory of when I was a kid, and it all came back to me in that moment.  It was right before dinner, I was at the park, playing basketball with the boys.  I remember the weather was warm and the wind blowing and I could sense the same feelings I felt when I was at the park.  The sun was still high in the sky, but you could tell it was getting around dinnertime and I would have to be leaving soon to walk back home.  But I would get in all the basketball I could before having to go home.  After dinner, I would run right back to the park and play until it got dark.  That was the sign that I had to be home.  But for that moment this afternoon, I found myself back when I was 11 or 12, enjoying the weather just like I was today.  It's so hard to believe that was 45 years ago.  A lifetime has happened between then and now.

The other day, I took a survey in a magazine about being happy.  The article began by asking the question, "Are you happy?"  Well, since I was curious, I took the survey, I got a score in the area where I was labeled "Happy."  I smiled and thought about it for a minute and I realize that I really am -- happy, I mean.  I don't think there's a time in my life from the time I was a kid playing basketball at the park until now, where I can truthfully say I was happy.  I don't know particularly why I wasn't - I just wasn't.  When I was teenager, I was suicidal and when I was a young woman, I was busy with my children, and frustrated and unhappy because I always wanted a complete family - a husband and father for my children.  But then when they became grown, I still longed for a husband/companion and since I had none, that also made me unhappy.  I worked for what seemed like forever that paid the bills and helped me raise my kids, but I was still unhappy - it wasn't what I wanted to do with my life, but it was what I ended up doing because that's all I knew.  I grew so physically and emotionally exhausted because of all of the pain in my body, I could hardly function these past couple years, and that left me with feelings of unhappiness and hopelessness. 

And now here I am caring for my parents and caring for myself at the same time, and I can finally say, I am happy.  I didn't need a magazine to tell me that, but it just confirmed what I already knew.  I'm still without a companion, I miss my kids and grandkids terribly and I'm still in a great deal of pain, but I am content for the first time in my life that I can ever remember.  I am content and happy to know that I am helping my parents live their lives, as well as my own.  It's a personal revelation for me, to know and finally feel this way.  It's my testimony to my faith in God.  I thank Him that He has brought me to this point, for without the endless strength and love He has given me, I would have given up a long time ago.