It's been 3 days since my dad was brought to Hospice. We are watching him dying slowly, as pneumonia, a urinary tract infection and c-diff, an infection in the bowels, is ravaging his body. He is being given large doses of morphine and hasn't eaten or had any liquids for several days. He is not responsive to us and just lays there with his mouth wide open. We are just sitting here waiting. Waiting for his body to succumb to death. Waiting and watching and realizing that this is the reality that we all have to face eventually. When I was in the mental hospital, the staff used to cry out "face reality! Face reality!" Now I guess I know what they were talking about. It's much easier to live in a fantasy world...
I want my dad to be the strong, angry man he was when we were coming up. I want him to be the dad who sat at the kitchen table when I was out late at night, waiting for me to come home. I want him to be the man again who laughed out loud with a hearty laugh that was contagious to all around him. I want him to be with me again in the bathroom with all the hot water running because I had asthma attacks and it was thought that steam to be good for asthmatics. I want him to look at my paintings and see his pleasure as he critiqued each one. I want to talk with him again like we have these past 2 years, as he opened up about his feelings.
But that's all past now and all that is left is a frail man holding on to his last breath. And I'm having an incredibly difficult time facing this reality. I've come to really love my father and I just don't want to let him go.
But the reality is I have to....
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Monday, August 12, 2013
My Parents
My father called today. He told me that he was scared and that he didn't think he could make it. I had to hang up the phone quickly and then I cried a good, long cry. He was never one to show emotion, much less fear. It was something I wasn't prepared for, and all I could do was cry. My father was always strong and stern, if not mean, and never wore his feelings for anyone to see, except for anger. I told him I loved him before I hung up and he actually told me that he loved me too; something that has never been easy for him to say. He has changed a great deal, not only physically, but emotionally as well.
My parents have decided to go into an assisted living facility here in Venice. My dad is getting discharged from the nursing home this Thursday, and they will both be moving into a very nice, 2 bedroom apartment at that time. My dad wants to sell the house, so I will be having an estate sale and trying to sell the things they won't be bringing to the apartment. This is a huge undertaking, since they've lived in this house for over 35 years. I plan on doing this the next several weeks, and then I will return to the Madison area to be near my grandchildren. My parents no longer need me and I'm finished with why I came here in the first place.
There are a lot of memories here and I will miss this old house. The pool has been a lifesaver in the heat of the summer and I will miss that for sure. My children came down here for weeks at a time, spending it with their grandparents. My grandparents were here at times and for awhile there, it was filled with a lot of noise, loud talking, laughing and arguing. Jews are very loud, and especially those from Chicago. If you get a bunch of us together, it just turns into a high-pitched fiasco. Quiet people can't handle it, and certainly don't understand it. I was raised in this type of environment, so it is very commonplace for me. In fact, quiet people make me a bit uncomfortable themselves, because you just don't know what they're thinking. It's unnerving really.
But now it's all quiet, except for my mom's pitter-pattering on the floor with her walker. Her old one dragged along the floor like a tractor and you could hear her coming from far away, it was so loud. I finally convinced her to get a new one that glides so it is effortless for her to push. Everything has changed and it will be a new season for my parents. One that is needful and one that creates sadness in me to have to deal with. It's very difficult to watch your parents deteriorate and become the old people you've always seen around the neighborhood, but never paid much attention to. We live our lives so quickly and self-absorbed that when it happens to our own parents, we stop and wonder "when did they get so old and how come I never noticed this before?" I hear myself telling myself that "it's just the circle of life and that's the way it is and always has been." But that's easy to say or think and much more difficult to witness. And there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. For people like me, who like to be in control all the time, that is very frustrating.
Life is just what it is, and the progression of age just keeps marching on, regardless of how we feel about it. One day, I'll be the one hobbling to the assisted care center and hanging out with people of the same age. And I will look back on all of these memories and hold onto them deep in my heart.
My parents have decided to go into an assisted living facility here in Venice. My dad is getting discharged from the nursing home this Thursday, and they will both be moving into a very nice, 2 bedroom apartment at that time. My dad wants to sell the house, so I will be having an estate sale and trying to sell the things they won't be bringing to the apartment. This is a huge undertaking, since they've lived in this house for over 35 years. I plan on doing this the next several weeks, and then I will return to the Madison area to be near my grandchildren. My parents no longer need me and I'm finished with why I came here in the first place.
There are a lot of memories here and I will miss this old house. The pool has been a lifesaver in the heat of the summer and I will miss that for sure. My children came down here for weeks at a time, spending it with their grandparents. My grandparents were here at times and for awhile there, it was filled with a lot of noise, loud talking, laughing and arguing. Jews are very loud, and especially those from Chicago. If you get a bunch of us together, it just turns into a high-pitched fiasco. Quiet people can't handle it, and certainly don't understand it. I was raised in this type of environment, so it is very commonplace for me. In fact, quiet people make me a bit uncomfortable themselves, because you just don't know what they're thinking. It's unnerving really.
But now it's all quiet, except for my mom's pitter-pattering on the floor with her walker. Her old one dragged along the floor like a tractor and you could hear her coming from far away, it was so loud. I finally convinced her to get a new one that glides so it is effortless for her to push. Everything has changed and it will be a new season for my parents. One that is needful and one that creates sadness in me to have to deal with. It's very difficult to watch your parents deteriorate and become the old people you've always seen around the neighborhood, but never paid much attention to. We live our lives so quickly and self-absorbed that when it happens to our own parents, we stop and wonder "when did they get so old and how come I never noticed this before?" I hear myself telling myself that "it's just the circle of life and that's the way it is and always has been." But that's easy to say or think and much more difficult to witness. And there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. For people like me, who like to be in control all the time, that is very frustrating.
Life is just what it is, and the progression of age just keeps marching on, regardless of how we feel about it. One day, I'll be the one hobbling to the assisted care center and hanging out with people of the same age. And I will look back on all of these memories and hold onto them deep in my heart.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Possibilities
I can't believe what I did the other night, I really can't. I was coming home from the Art Center in a torrential downpour, driving 35 mph on a 55 mph highway. I couldn't see in front of me, it was raining so hard. And when it rains here in Florida, there is absolutely no where for it to go, because this state is already on sea level, so the streets flood really quickly. On the side streets, I tried driving in the center of the road to avoid the swelling gutters. I got to the house and I sat in the car for a minute, but then my mom opened the garage door for me to run in there from the car. I grabbed my purse and made a mad dash for the garage, getting soaking wet in the meantime. I can't run, and I didn't want to slip and fall, so I kind of just waddled quickly, but it was coming down so heavy that getting soaked was unavoidable.
I talked to my mom for a bit, then I went into my room to dry off. About 45 minutes later, we ate dinner and after I cleaned up, I went into my room and got on the computer and watched some TV. My mom yelled from the kitchen about 8:00 that my car lights were on and I thought, "Oh shoot, I somehow left the lights on and my battery will be dead." I looked for my car keys and they weren't on the counter, and then I said, "OH NO" out loud, waddled out the door to my car and found it was still running. It had run for over 3 hours, as I forgot to turn it off. Half of the gas was gone because the air conditioner was still on. I couldn't believe I did that - I've never done that before, but because of the rain, I was more worried about getting WET than turning my car off. I felt like a real idiot and I'm mad at myself because now I have to fill the gas tank again. A perfect example of being distracted by the trivial, thereby ignoring the important stuff. Unfortunately, that happens a lot in life....
The thing about Florida, is that in the summer, it rains every single day. Every late afternoon, thunder rolls across the dark sky and sometimes lightening strikes and then a torrential downpour comes and goes, usually quite quickly. After the rain, the sun comes back out and acts like it never rained, and the streets dry fast under this oppressive heat. I mean, you've never felt anything like it. If the air conditioning in my car goes out, I will be doomed. In fact, I won't drive because it's so hot and humid, that I can hardly breathe. I feel terrible for people who don't have air conditioning in their cars or in their houses. I have no idea how they live like that. And as far as homeless people go, I can't even imagine their lives. It bothers me so much to think that they don't even have a fan or protection from the bugs and other nasty creatures crawling around. I just can't handle the fact that they have no where to go for shelter from the elements, storms and mosquitos as big as a Volkswagen.
I remember when I worked in downtown Madison, for a judge at the time, and there was a small, older lady who would be huddled up in a corner of the lower level. She was homeless and I don't know where she went when they closed the courthouse up, but she was there every day when I went to the cafeteria to get some coffee. She had garbage bags filled with all of her belongings and she sat, hunched up in the corner of the wall, while hundreds of people passed her every day. I always felt so bad for her and I wanted to help her, but she wouldn't talk to anyone or respond if you did talk to her. I don't know if she was mentally ill or just tired of living in a society where she was shunned and avoided. It's easier to look away and avoid people like that, and I'm sure she was used to being rejected.
But she was someone's mother, or sister or daughter. She was one or all of those things. But where were her relatives? And did they care, or was she all alone in the world? I didn't know the answers to those questions, but do I know this much: that Jesus came for her as much as He came for me, or the wealthy aristocrats living in mansions. He is no respecter of persons, so why are we?
We are so ignorant over that which we are not familiar with. We are prejudice against those who are not like us. We fear those things that could possibly happen to us too, therefore we limit ourselves from all kinds of possibilities. Help me Lord, to be the woman who You want me to be - not a by-product of our twisted and perverted society.
I talked to my mom for a bit, then I went into my room to dry off. About 45 minutes later, we ate dinner and after I cleaned up, I went into my room and got on the computer and watched some TV. My mom yelled from the kitchen about 8:00 that my car lights were on and I thought, "Oh shoot, I somehow left the lights on and my battery will be dead." I looked for my car keys and they weren't on the counter, and then I said, "OH NO" out loud, waddled out the door to my car and found it was still running. It had run for over 3 hours, as I forgot to turn it off. Half of the gas was gone because the air conditioner was still on. I couldn't believe I did that - I've never done that before, but because of the rain, I was more worried about getting WET than turning my car off. I felt like a real idiot and I'm mad at myself because now I have to fill the gas tank again. A perfect example of being distracted by the trivial, thereby ignoring the important stuff. Unfortunately, that happens a lot in life....
The thing about Florida, is that in the summer, it rains every single day. Every late afternoon, thunder rolls across the dark sky and sometimes lightening strikes and then a torrential downpour comes and goes, usually quite quickly. After the rain, the sun comes back out and acts like it never rained, and the streets dry fast under this oppressive heat. I mean, you've never felt anything like it. If the air conditioning in my car goes out, I will be doomed. In fact, I won't drive because it's so hot and humid, that I can hardly breathe. I feel terrible for people who don't have air conditioning in their cars or in their houses. I have no idea how they live like that. And as far as homeless people go, I can't even imagine their lives. It bothers me so much to think that they don't even have a fan or protection from the bugs and other nasty creatures crawling around. I just can't handle the fact that they have no where to go for shelter from the elements, storms and mosquitos as big as a Volkswagen.
I remember when I worked in downtown Madison, for a judge at the time, and there was a small, older lady who would be huddled up in a corner of the lower level. She was homeless and I don't know where she went when they closed the courthouse up, but she was there every day when I went to the cafeteria to get some coffee. She had garbage bags filled with all of her belongings and she sat, hunched up in the corner of the wall, while hundreds of people passed her every day. I always felt so bad for her and I wanted to help her, but she wouldn't talk to anyone or respond if you did talk to her. I don't know if she was mentally ill or just tired of living in a society where she was shunned and avoided. It's easier to look away and avoid people like that, and I'm sure she was used to being rejected.
But she was someone's mother, or sister or daughter. She was one or all of those things. But where were her relatives? And did they care, or was she all alone in the world? I didn't know the answers to those questions, but do I know this much: that Jesus came for her as much as He came for me, or the wealthy aristocrats living in mansions. He is no respecter of persons, so why are we?
We are so ignorant over that which we are not familiar with. We are prejudice against those who are not like us. We fear those things that could possibly happen to us too, therefore we limit ourselves from all kinds of possibilities. Help me Lord, to be the woman who You want me to be - not a by-product of our twisted and perverted society.
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