So This Ends an Era

I'm not sure how to title this, as I am ending this blog and beginning another.  This has been a blog about living with my parents and surrounded by old people every day, and that has now changed.

My dad's funeral was short and very sad.  There was a Marine honor guard there who blew taps and handed my mother a flag.  It was very emotional.  I couldn't stop crying through it all and hardly heard what the rabbi was saying.  It didn't matter.  My dad was in that closed coffin and I would no longer be able to talk, argue and debate with him.  I would no longer hear his laughter or his scowl and it all seemed very surreal to me.  I am just now coming to grips with it, but even so, it brings tears to my eyes when I think about him.  He was not a great man who achieved worldly recognition - but he was MY dad and I loved him very much for all he did and did not do for me.  He taught me how to be strong and without that, I would never have been able to raise three children by myself, or live the life I've lived.  I wish I would have told him that before he died.  I'm not good at talking to people - I'm much better at writing.  Maybe he knew - maybe he just knew.

Jasper came down to Florida to help me clean out my parents' house and move me back to Madison.  It was a huge undertaking.  The house was full of dust and stuff all over the place.  We had an estate sale for three days and sold a lot, but there was still a lot left over.  Salvation Army came and took most of it away, and the lady who cleaned the house, took the rest of it away.  Finally, the house was empty and when I looked around, it was a very weird feeling indeed.  I wasn't raised in that house, but it was the place my children and I came to every year to visit my parents.  Now it was an empty shell and even if I wanted to live in Florida and buy the house, I wouldn't.  It was my dad's house, and I felt very uncomfortable in there without him.

My mom went to live in an assisted living apartment and it turns out she loves it.  She's happier than I've ever seen her, in fact.  And so, with my responsibility of taking care of my parents over, we packed up all that I own in a U-Haul trailer and my car, and began the long trek back to Madison.  Before we left, I hugged and cried with my mom and said we loved each other, but know this is best for both of us. This was difficult, but knowing my mom is happy where she is, made it that much easier.

It took us 25 hours to get back to Madison because of hauling the trailer.  Jasper put all of my stuff in a storage unit and I stayed with Jason for a few days, enjoying Donovan and Jade.  On Saturday, I flew out to California to be with Micah and Jasmin, and that is where I am now.  I will be spending a month here because for once in a very long time, I realized I have no responsibilities to take care of anyone anymore.  After being a single parent for so many years and working at the same time, then taking on the responsibility of caring for my parents, it is an overwhelming feeling of peace.  I can't describe it - you just have to feel it.  It's wonderful.  I love my parents, I love my children and I love my grandchildren - but to be free of daily responsibility, is a gift from God.

So this ends an era that I learned much from.  Much from my parents and those around me.  I treasure the time I spent with my dad and I will always be grateful that I bonded with him.  I'm grateful that I had this time with my mom as well, and I'm very happy that she's finally happy.  I guess it's never too late to find happiness.  My mom is living proof of that.

So now I begin a new phase in my life, which I've not known before.  I'm excited and looking forward to what God has in store for me.  Whatever it may be, I know if I follow His plan, I can never go wrong.  He is my Rock and my Redeemer and the Lover of my soul. I am ever grateful to God, who gives me strength and will to carry on.  Keep on, keepin' on, and never give up.  You never know what's around the next corner...

Good Night, Dad

My dad died last night around 1:00 am.  His funeral will be this Wednesday, early to accommodate the Rabbi because Rosh Hashonna begins at sunset that day.  Rosh Hashonna is a high holy day and it lasts several days.  

I find myself at a loss of words, which is unlike me.  Writing words, anyway.  My heart hurts so bad that it feels like it is going to explode.  I've never experienced this kind of loss before.  Those of you who have, know very well how it feels.  And there's nothing anyone can do or say that will make it better.  

My dad and I had a rocky relationship most of my life.  I rebelled against him for who knows why, and feared him greatly.  It wasn't until 2 years ago June, that we actually bonded as we were alone when my mom was in the nursing home.  We actually talked together and expressed feelings, angry ones at times, but feelings nonetheless.  It turns out that my dad was very sensitive inside under all the anger and meanness that he showed.  Who would have known?  Not me - not until the very end.  He expressed fear and love and appreciation, all attributes that he had never displayed before.  My dad, after all, was a good man, father and husband.  He planned for my mom to be secure when he passed, and now she is.  He loved his children and his grandchildren and hopefully they know that now.

I will never again hear him say, "Good night, sis" or "Good night, sweety."  That is what I will miss most about my dad.  Because in those words he always told me that he loved me without actually saying it.  

Good night, Dad.  I love you and I always will.