My Father

I love my father.  I'm a lot like him, so I can relate to where he's coming from, most of the time.  It's when we don't understand each other that we fuss and argue and it becomes dangerous territory.  But really, we get along a whole lot better than we used to.  There was a time that our visits to Florida with my parents always ended in a huge explosion between my father and I.  I think he was basically angry with me for letting him down all those years and he expressed it in explosions.  I, being the kind of person to never back down from a fight, always reciprocated with my own explosion, with my kids and mom looking on from a distance.  I'm glad that doesn't happen anymore.  It's too exhausting.

He critiques the meals I prepare him for lunch and dinner.  He does the same thing with my mom, so I really don't mind.  For breakfast, he always has the same thing, so there's nothing to critique.  For lunch and dinner, he will either say, "This is very good, sis," or "This is good, sis," or "This is ok (no sis)"  I think he rates them from very good, good to just ok.  So far, thank God, he has never said, "Yuk! I can't eat this - this is terrible!"  If he ever does say that, I'm going to tell him that this is not a restaurant and he has to eat it.  Of course, I will never say that, but it's fun to picture it in my mind.  That would get him really riled up, and in some ways I still fear him, so we won't do that.

He calls me either "Sis," "Sweety" or "Sharon."  "Sis" and "Sweety" are when I'm either waking up, going to bed or during his meal critiques.  "Sharon" is when he is serious or I've done something wrong.  "Sharon Penny" hasn't been said since I was a kid and did something really wrong.  Which is good because I hate my middle name. 

My mother must have been delirious when I was born, because she named me Sharon Penny Schwartz.  (Maybe that’s why I’ve always had a problem with finances -- it must have somehow been a deep, psychological barrier for me.)  I was the second child born to my parents.  Richard Paul was their first, being born in November, three years before me.  Daniel Mark would be born in September, three years after me.  (Notice that my brothers have strong, biblical names.  In my opinion, “Penny” should have been reserved for a dog or a cat.)

The only recollection I have of my very early life, is what I have viewed on a video my mother made from old 8mm filmstrips.  It’s difficult watching the video my mother made, generally because the majority of people on it are now dead, and it’s very depressing to see how my parents have aged.  It brings tears to my eyes to see my dad sitting on a black couch (covered with see-through plastic, which is the same couch in his house today) with me on his lap and feeding me with a bottle.  I think it makes me cry because I never knew my dad to be affectionate, and seeing that shows a different side of him that I never knew.  I suppose he raised us the way he was raised, and that was without any affection.  When he kissed me hello or goodbye, it was on top of my head.  I guess that was safer than anywhere on my face.  In addition, he was in the Marines, and generally ran his family like we were his little “troop.”  My father always seemed angry and bitter and didn’t do a lot of talking.  I think he basically was, and is, a very unhappy man.  He has mellowed out, though, as he's aged.  He doesn't lose his temper as often or to the intensity as he used to.  And I know he loves my brothers and I and his grandchildren and great-grandchildren - he just doesn't know how to show it.

I've learned a great deal from my father and have inherited a lot from him.  I have his temperament, arthritis, spinal stenosis, neuropathy and the list goes on and on.  What I wished I would have inherited from him, are his skinny legs.  No - I had to inherit that from my mother.  Let's suffice it to say that they remind me of strange tree trunks with 10 toes.  Even if I were to lose a hundred pounds, my legs would still look like tree trunks.  It's so totally unfair.  But I guess you gotta work with what you have, so tree trunks it is...