That Deep, Dark Hole

My dad has now been moved to the nursing home my mom was in when I first moved down here.  He  shares a room with a man who is hard of hearing because his tv blares next to him.  A curtain stays closed between them, as my dad is not a social guy.  He just prefers to be left alone.

I'm really worried about him.  He has no emotional affect whatsoever.  I had to sign papers to have him admitted there and he just sat there and stared while the admissions officer explained each page to me which I had to sign.  His eyes just stare with no emotion and it's very weird to see.  I expounded in detail to him afterward how much the nursing home will cost (their co-pay) for how many days he is there and he had no response.  I did this three times and I made a point that I don't want my mom to be left without any money, because if it comes to that, the cost will take their assets until my dad is eligible for Medicaid.  I was kind, but firm and yet all he did was shake his head.  Absolutely no response, and that was always my dad's greatest fear.  He just gazes into space and only looks at you if you ask him something.  He either nods his head or gives you one word responses.

I was thinking last night that maybe I need to physically shake him and tell him to "snap out of it," but this is my dad we're talking about.  A man who always bred fear in those around him.  He was always an angry, ex-marine who tolerated very little.  But he also had another side that loved to laugh at funny tv shows, comedians and antics he found humorous.  He was a man with two faces and as I loved to hear him laugh, I always tried to be funny when I was young so he would laugh at me.  Now he neither has anger or humor - he just stares and his blue eyes look like faded glass. When I do catch him looking at me, it seems he looks right past me and doesn't grasp what I'm saying.  It's very disconcerting to say the least.

I want my dad to be my dad again - with anger and humor and all.  It seems like I've lost him and I talk to him to try to bring him back, to no avail.  I'm afraid to get right up in his face and try to push him back into reality, but I almost want to do just that.  He's deeply depressed in addition to what's going on in his mind, and I so want to reach him inside that place.  I know what depression is like - I've been there and it's a deep, dark hole that some people can't manage to crawl out from.  And of course, everyone experiences it differently.  But I would be amiss if I don't at least try to reach him in there and pull him out if I could.  After all, I am his daughter and he and my mom are the reasons I came down here.  I didn't always feel this way, but I love him for who he is and for what he's done for me.  The least I can do is try to help him in his time of need, just as he did for me so many times I've lost count...