When I was 18, I went to the nursing home where my Papa (my father's dad) was living. He was a very quiet and peaceful man - quite the opposite of my own dad. I loved my Papa very much. It was really hard to watch him get so old and feeble, as it is now watching my dad. I remember taking a walk around a circle of windows with my Papa, and he looked at me with clear, blue eyes that seemed to look beyond me, and yet he was talking to me. He spoke very little, but he always loved to walk. At one point, he stopped and looked into my eyes and told me to never cut my hair, no matter what anyone says. I told him I wouldn't, but thought that was a strange thing for him to say. His eyes were like a blue, milky glass as he looked at me and I will never forget that day. That was the last time I saw him alive.
I saw my dad today. He had that same look in his eyes. I noticed it right away and it made me think of my Papa. His eyes are blue and milky, like he's ready to cry - but I've only seen my dad cry once in my life, and that was when my Papa died. When I saw him cry, that made me cry harder. It was too hard to bear all the sadness of that day, and so I turned it into anger. I was angry at everyone - my cousins, my other relatives and the rabbi who performed the service. He spoke about my Papa saying that "Louie loved everyone...." and I said under my breath that that was a lie. I don't know if anyone heard me, but my Papa was prejudice against blacks, and I knew that, so I was angry that the rabbi "lied." I was just angry because someone I loved, died, and there was nothing I could do about it.
My dad has started eating and we all, including the doctors, thought he was really making headway, until today. He sat with a glazed look on his face, with oxygen in his nose. He knew we were there and when Danny explained his options, he seemed to completely understand. His mind is now clear, but his body is not cooperating. He's on medication for high blood pressure, insulin for diabetes, gas pills for his stomach, nutrition bags and a myriad of other medications through his IV.
They did a cat scan yesterday and found the balloon of air in his stomach has gotten bigger - that's why he has so much pain in his stomach. Along with that, he also has some fluid in his lungs. Apparently, his stomach is not "working" and so he has two options to try to squeeze the air out. One option is having the tubes going back in his nose down to his stomach, trying to draw the air out. The second option is to put a tube in his side, into his stomach, to draw the air out. Either option could take weeks or even months. And then, there is the possibility that it won't work at all. So my dad has to make the decision which one to do.
The doctors don't know what else to do. They've exhausted all their resources and my dad's doctor has consulted with all his colleagues. He said that only time now will either release the air, or not. So my dad has an even lengthier time of recovery. It will either be in the hospital, where he's already been for 5 weeks, or in a nursing home.
What lousy choices he has. And yet, I'm thankful because he's still alive to make these choices.
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