I got into a pretty heated argument with my dad tonight. A neighbor came over and was telling us that she will never forgive her daughter, even if her daughter goes to her and apologizes. She re-wrote her will and she and her husband have written her out of their lives. When she left, I said I couldn't believe that they would do that. Nothing my kids ever do could cause me to write them off and disown them. I can't even wrap my mind around that, it's so utterly selfish.
My father proceeded to say that he was going to do that with me when I had Jason. I told him that I know, because he's prejudice and he had a hard time with his father being black. But that's not how it went at all. I'm the one who told my parents when Jason was only a few months old, that if they showed him any attitude at all, then I would have nothing to do with them anymore - and I meant it. I kept telling them that it wasn't my baby's fault and they weren't going to take it out on him. My father disagreed and said he was the one who was going to disown me, and I just let it go because that's not what we argued about.
Somehow our conversation got around to bitterness and unforgiveness and I said that our neighbor is only hurting herself by not forgiving her daughter. My dad proceeded to tell me about a business that he had many years ago and about a partner who shoved him out of his own business and how he hates him still. He said if he saw him on the street, he would kill him. And then he listed all the people he hated, calling them names and saying things about them, including killing my children's father if he ever saw him. He has hate and bitterness so deep down inside that he can't see the forest for the trees.
I tried to tell my dad that I learned when you hold bitterness and hatred inside, it only makes the one who's holding it, sick and unhappy. I couldn't talk about the fact that God couldn't forgive him if he didn't forgive others, because he doesn't believe in God like that. I did tell him my old pastor preached a lot about bitterness and unforgiveness because people are always holding grudges and not letting things go, and not forgiving one another, and how detrimental that is - physically, emotionally and spiritually. His response to all of this was that he's fine just the way he is and he will never change, in a very angry and bitter tone. It was a very uncomfortable conversation/argument and I didn't get anywhere at all because he's made his mind up and he refuses to let it go.
What does bitterness and hatred prove? Who does it hurt? It certainly does not hurt the one who it's directed toward. That person is most likely going merrily on their way. But it most definitely does hurt the one who holds the bitterness and hatred. How is that productive? How does that help any situation? He didn't care. He was going to stay stubbornly angry and bitter and not ever forgive anyone who has ever wronged him. He acts as though he is the only one who has ever been hurt and I told him so. I also told him that "the world does not revolve around you and you're not the only one who has ever been hurt." That, of course, infuriated him. Sometimes, I need to know the right time to stop, but I was already on a roll and I kept going.
I told him he was sick and mean and ornery because he is an angry, bitter and unforgiving person. I thought he was going to jump up and smack me, but of course he can't go that fast. I could even outrun him at this point. My mom just sat there as she always does, never getting into the mix. I don't know if that's good or bad, but it used to aggravate me as a kid because she never stuck up for us. She was probably too scared to say anything, although my dad would never hurt her. He verbally lashes out but I've never seen him hit my mom or us kids. The only thing he used to do to me was to grab me by my collar and scream in my face until I cried. It must have been really hard for him to have that much self control that he never hit me. Lord knows I deserved it.
This happened before dinner, and then we ate and acted like nothing happened. Such weirdness. We all blow up and let out our feelings (except my mom), then we go on to the next meal or next thing we have to do. Jews are explosive that way. At least in my family they are. But at least you know where my dad stands. He's racist and sexist and an angry, bitter man, but he admits this. He has that going for him - he's not a hypocrit.
He also loves me. He loves his family, and that says a lot for my dad. Even though it's sometimes hard to vision, he does all he can for his family. In his eyes, taking care of your family is the paramount responsibility of the father/husband, and I'm thankful he did. I was never in want for anything. And all those lean years where I struggled being a single parent, my father "lent" me more money than I could ever repay, and helped me in more ways than one.
So this is what a wounded animal is like. He was probably fun-loving and witty at some point in his life, but then hurts came. Rejection and betrayal came on all sides. Those he trusted lied and cheated and did him wrong. Those he loved did things that hurt him and he could never understand. He began to withdraw, distrust and resent. He became bitter and hateful and mean. And no one feels comfortable around him because he's always ready to attack. And this is what a wounded animal is like.
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