Good Night, Dad

My dad died last night around 1:00 am.  His funeral will be this Wednesday, early to accommodate the Rabbi because Rosh Hashonna begins at sunset that day.  Rosh Hashonna is a high holy day and it lasts several days.  

I find myself at a loss of words, which is unlike me.  Writing words, anyway.  My heart hurts so bad that it feels like it is going to explode.  I've never experienced this kind of loss before.  Those of you who have, know very well how it feels.  And there's nothing anyone can do or say that will make it better.  

My dad and I had a rocky relationship most of my life.  I rebelled against him for who knows why, and feared him greatly.  It wasn't until 2 years ago June, that we actually bonded as we were alone when my mom was in the nursing home.  We actually talked together and expressed feelings, angry ones at times, but feelings nonetheless.  It turns out that my dad was very sensitive inside under all the anger and meanness that he showed.  Who would have known?  Not me - not until the very end.  He expressed fear and love and appreciation, all attributes that he had never displayed before.  My dad, after all, was a good man, father and husband.  He planned for my mom to be secure when he passed, and now she is.  He loved his children and his grandchildren and hopefully they know that now.

I will never again hear him say, "Good night, sis" or "Good night, sweety."  That is what I will miss most about my dad.  Because in those words he always told me that he loved me without actually saying it.  

Good night, Dad.  I love you and I always will.