My father called today. He told me that he was scared and that he didn't think he could make it. I had to hang up the phone quickly and then I cried a good, long cry. He was never one to show emotion, much less fear. It was something I wasn't prepared for, and all I could do was cry. My father was always strong and stern, if not mean, and never wore his feelings for anyone to see, except for anger. I told him I loved him before I hung up and he actually told me that he loved me too; something that has never been easy for him to say. He has changed a great deal, not only physically, but emotionally as well.
My parents have decided to go into an assisted living facility here in Venice. My dad is getting discharged from the nursing home this Thursday, and they will both be moving into a very nice, 2 bedroom apartment at that time. My dad wants to sell the house, so I will be having an estate sale and trying to sell the things they won't be bringing to the apartment. This is a huge undertaking, since they've lived in this house for over 35 years. I plan on doing this the next several weeks, and then I will return to the Madison area to be near my grandchildren. My parents no longer need me and I'm finished with why I came here in the first place.
There are a lot of memories here and I will miss this old house. The pool has been a lifesaver in the heat of the summer and I will miss that for sure. My children came down here for weeks at a time, spending it with their grandparents. My grandparents were here at times and for awhile there, it was filled with a lot of noise, loud talking, laughing and arguing. Jews are very loud, and especially those from Chicago. If you get a bunch of us together, it just turns into a high-pitched fiasco. Quiet people can't handle it, and certainly don't understand it. I was raised in this type of environment, so it is very commonplace for me. In fact, quiet people make me a bit uncomfortable themselves, because you just don't know what they're thinking. It's unnerving really.
But now it's all quiet, except for my mom's pitter-pattering on the floor with her walker. Her old one dragged along the floor like a tractor and you could hear her coming from far away, it was so loud. I finally convinced her to get a new one that glides so it is effortless for her to push. Everything has changed and it will be a new season for my parents. One that is needful and one that creates sadness in me to have to deal with. It's very difficult to watch your parents deteriorate and become the old people you've always seen around the neighborhood, but never paid much attention to. We live our lives so quickly and self-absorbed that when it happens to our own parents, we stop and wonder "when did they get so old and how come I never noticed this before?" I hear myself telling myself that "it's just the circle of life and that's the way it is and always has been." But that's easy to say or think and much more difficult to witness. And there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. For people like me, who like to be in control all the time, that is very frustrating.
Life is just what it is, and the progression of age just keeps marching on, regardless of how we feel about it. One day, I'll be the one hobbling to the assisted care center and hanging out with people of the same age. And I will look back on all of these memories and hold onto them deep in my heart.
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